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the most famous person i know! so long from idol, ashley, but this is the begining of a whole new chapter!

lj idol week 10


As the Sun breaks above the ground
An old man stands on the hill
As the ground warms to the first rays of light
A birdsong shatters the still

My son is leaving today. He is leaving for war. I will not see my son again even though he tells me otherwise. I never wanted him to join the military. I told him not to enlist.

His eyes are ablaze
See the madman in his gaze

I am leaving for war today. My father doesn't want me to go. There is a good chance I will not come home. I love my family, my father, but my love for my country is stonger. I must serve.

Fly, on your way, like an eagle
Fly as high as the Sun
On your way, like an eagle
Fly, touch the Sun

Now the crowd breaks and a young boy appears
Looks the old man in the eye
As he spreads his wings and shouts at the crowd
In the name of God my father I'll fly

I look in my son's eyes for the final time. He knows I love him. I don't need to tell him.

My father looks at me. The only thing I want from him is to hear that he loves me one last time. I know he loves me, but why won't he tell me?

His eyes seem so glazed
As he flies on the wings of a dream
Now he knows his father betrayed
Now his wings turn to ashes to ashes his grave

Fly, on your way, like an eagle
Fly as high as the Sun
On your way, like an eagle
Fly, touch the Sun

There he goes, walking out for the last time. He will always be my son, and I am so very proud of him.

Goodbye, father.

Fly, on your way, like an eagle
Fly as high as the Sun
On your way, like an eagle
Fly as high as the Sun
On your way, like an eagle
Fly, touch the Sun
On your way, like an eagle, fly

It has been months since I have heard from my son. I should have been a better father and stopped him from leaving. Now I will never see him again.

Fly as high as the Sun

The last thing I remember is falling to the ground, hot liquid covering my body. It's too late to change my mind now. I should have listened to my father...

lj idol week 9

i was 19. stupid, senseless, thinking with the wrong head... wait. doesn't that phrase usually apply to guys? whatever, i was thinking with my vag, not my brain. and damn, was he good in bed. who gave a crap what the gray matter thought?

this is the story of me and M. we worked for the same company, just different locations. damn you myspace! he introduced me to all his friends, his mom and brother. the thing that killed us from the start was he never wanted to be referred to as my 'boyfriend'. he didn't like the labels. i did. call me shallow if you want. but i wanted to be introduced to people as 'hi, this is rachel, my GIRLFRIEND.' but no, i can't have it my way. so i told him, if i am not your girlfriend, then we are free to date other people as well. he was all for that, typical guy. he slept with some chick that was younger than me, skinnier and prettier too. i dealt with it. don't ask me how, perhaps it was the vast amounts of alcohol and weed i was consuming at that point in my life. perhaps i was lost in trying to get through another semester at a school i hated. perhaps i was just a lost little girl looking for something more in the wrong kid of person.

and the thing that kills me now, is the fact that he did this many more times, and yet i came right over as soon as he called me. but like i've said, when you're 19, you don't have your head in the right place.

tables turned though. we were invited to a party hosted by a girl i went to high school with. there were a lot of people i knew, but no one he knew. a couple of drinks and a few bongs hits later, we were the life of the party. he went outside to smoke or something, and i sat on the couch with i kid i went to middle school with, lets call him S. the conversation went something like this:

*S puts arm around me*
S: so, you with that guy?
me: not really, its complicated. he's not my boyfriend though, if that's what you're asking.
S: cool.
me: he's pissing me off though, flirting with that girl over there. i mean, we came here together, you would think he would want to hang out with me.
S: so you wanna piss him off?
me: yeah...
*S and i then make out, stopping seconds before he comes back in the room*

i get S's number, and i drive M home. i then call S back and see if people are still around. everyone is starting to head home, but he asks me to come back anyway. i go back, and we end up making out on the couch and then end up naked in the back seat of his car. neither one of us calls the other ever again.

and so starts the downward spiral...

throughout the year we were together, it was on again off again love triangles. complicated as chinese calculus and as simple as a one celled organism. when we got along, it was pure bliss. when we fought, the universe collapsed on itself.

things finally came to an end one may. i had been seeing someone else, and i really liked him. and best of all he was great in bed AND he wanted to call me his girlfriend. so now, i had to call it off with M. as much as he tried to be a tough guy, he was very sensitive and i knew this was going to be hard. we went for a drive and i explained things, plain and simple. we could be friends, but i'm done with the head games. as we pulled back up to his house, i told him this was goodbye. he threw a fit. i had to drag him out of my car, just so i could leave.

i gave him the order to march out of my life, and i've never looked back


lj idol week 7

my life is pretty much on the calm side, so this is my only *real* experience with any kind of brouhaha. names have been changed, except mine

My friend Kacey had this boyfriend, David. He was always getting in trouble with th law. Typical 'bad boy' but he wore makeup. Now, for me, I have a few rules when it comes to dating:

1. His hair can't be longer than mine
2. His pants cant be tighter than mine
3. He cant wear/own more makeup than I do

Kacey didnt have these rules, hence the boy with makeup. Anyways, she was going up to his house in Maine, about a 4 hour drive from here. He was having some kind of goth/valentine's day party thing and she wanted to know if i wanted to go. I said sure, I had no ther plans for the weekend. So off we trekked the 4 hour drive to the boonies.

Now, this kid's house is nice. From the outside. Inside, thers nothing. No tables, chairs, furniture. He has a mattress on the floor and thats about it. Classy. We help his set up some lights, make some jungle juice (which was put into a large 70 gallon plastic bin and placed in his fridge).

A lot of people showed. Including some cute guys. Now I was happy I came. There was music blasting, drinks flowing, and im sure some kids were on ecstacy. I was getting pretty drunk myself, and there were 2 guys hitting on me. Ryan and Paul. Ryan was kind of shy and just randomly asking me to dance and whatnot. Paul on the otherhand was grabbing my hand and taking me aside to talk. Well at one point, Paul was standing in front of me as I leaned against the counter, and he kissed me. Ryan saw it and got a bit jealous. Paul then tried to take me into the bathroom to have sex, and whe I said not he got mad. David told his to get lost, and Ryan made sure I was ok.

After the party pooper left, things were fun. I was dancing with Ryan and he asked of he could kiss me. I said yeah. We spent the whole night making out, drinking and dancing. Some people started to get crazy and have a water fight. Since there was no furniture in the house, it was cool.

The shit hit the fan. The cops came. I think there was only 2 people there that were over 21. The cops said someone called and complained about us (the house wasnt even near anyone, so who would call?) Now everyones soaking wet, the damn cops are in the doorway withe the door open, its dead of winter in northern New England. Im jsut glad I was drunk, otherwise I might have really been cold.

Since all my stuff was in David's room, the cops had to search my bags. Things area bit foggy, but I remember getting up and marching into the room and declaring to the cops "Officers! We are from Massachusetts! We dont do drugs! All you'll find in my bag is tampons and breathmints!" I tried to just tell the cops, but In my drunken state, the whole house heard. The cops were the only ones who didn't find it amusing.

They made everyone under 18 leave because there was booze. We kept everything to a dull roar the rest of the night. About an hour later, Paul came back. David was furious! It turns out, when the underage kids left, they went to a party about a mile down the road the Paul was hosting. He was telling everyone there that I was a whore, that I led him on and he was pissed because I wouldnt fuck him. And he was also running his mouth about how he called the cops to get our party shut down.

David punched him in the face and told him if he came back, it would be worse. People slowly left, and Ryan and I passed out on the floor together. What a fun night.

lj idol week 6

I was here, I couldn't believe it. I had my husband holding one leg and a nurse holding the other. A doctor was standing in between my legs, with a hand on her hips, counting.

"Eight, nine, ten. Breathe."

I gasped for breath. I felt like I was going to burst a blood vessel in my face. Finally, I got it right, push with your stomach, not your back. Ahh, much easier.

I was lucky. They had brought a mirror in so I could watch.

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Breathe. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Breathe."

Man, this was hard. Just the begining, though.

In the mirror, I could see a little matted head of hair slip out, and then when i relaxed, slip back in a bit.

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Breathe. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Breathe."

43 minutes had gone by since the start of Delivery. The docs were scrubbed up now, ready to catch. Thats all they were there for, to catch her. Hell, I'd do it myself if I wasnt confined to the bed.

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Breathe. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Breathe."

Here she comes! I could see in the reflection her teeny head then her teeny sholders and arms and finally her teeny butt.

"It's a girl!"

"Damn right it better be a girl! Or else I will have to return all the pink stuff!" I was tired.

36 hours had passed. She was scooped up and examined. I heard her cry while the docs put one stitch in a first degree tear. Not bad, I thought to myself.

2:30am on Saturday August 29, 2009 was a day that will always remain in my memory. I became a mom.

After she was given a clean bill of health and I was given meds (finally) to lower my blood pressure, she was handed to me. They put the goop in here eyes, which made them seem so big. Bigger than they already were.

This experience was not of this world. She was not of this world.

There I was, exhausted in ever sense of the world, holding my new alien baby, freshly hatched, looking up at me as if she was asking "Ok, now what mom?"

It was the best thing to ever happen to me.


lj idol week 5

"Hindsight is always 20/20."

Damn you mom, get out of my head. This is not the time.

I can't belive I'm here. What kind of person am I?

I roll over and look at this man I am laying in bed with. He is not my husband. My husband is at home, taking care of 3 kids, getting them ready for school and daycare. Then he is going to work so the mortgage gets paid.

Last night was a blur of booze and flirting. It was all harmless, but isn't that how it always starts? Truth be told, I wanted this. Some part of me really did want to do the unexpected, the taboo.

I dont know exactly how I got here, what this man's name is, what town I am in.

The only thing I do know is that last night when Mystery Man asked me "So you're not married, right?" as we walked to his car, I replied "Nope" as I slipped my wedding band into my purse.

My marriage was just an afterthought.

lj idol week 4

I walked into the bar expecting to meet up with some friends. Simple, right? Wrong. I should have figured with my luck.

So anyways, I walk over to the table of my friends. I sit down. I order a drink. I drink my drink. I then proceed to hear fart. And not just any fart. It wasn't be a teeny weeny mouse squeek, oh no. It came out sounding like a biker gang just pulled up.

Everyone stops and looks around. I, of course, look around too. Eyes slowly come my way, but then pass me as stop at the next table. They know. They all know.

I look over at the next table. Theres an elephant sitting down at the table with a beer. He waves to me and says "Hey, I think I'll be here for a while."

Damn those elephants in the room.

lj idol week 3

It's a Trap





lj idol week 1

The house where she ended up tonight was in the “bad” part of town. Not like there was exactly a “good” part to stay in. She had met Jake only three hours ago wandering the streets as well. They hid out in the bus terminal until a cop kicked them out into the cold April rain. Jake told her he knew of some people he sometimes stayed with, and they could crash there until the morning. With nowhere else to go, she left.

The house was more or less dilapidated. There were gray paint chips peeling off the side. Windows were broken but the glass was on the outside as if someone had tried to break out instead of breaking in. In the light from the streetlamps, the house looked sad. The rain seemed to be the house’s tears. It was crying because all it wanted was people to love it, to take care of it, and respect it. Instead it has become a haven for runaways and junkies. Who wouldn’t be sad if that was their fate?

When she walked in, the stench of wet dog and sour milk attacked her nose. She could also detect stale vomit. Anything was better than sleeping in the rain though. The living room was occupied by two men and what looked like a preteen girl. The men were sitting on the stained couch, both bald and wearing stained white tank tops. They both look scarred and beaten. The girl, although she looked quite young, was in fact 24. She was lucky this lifestyle didn’t age her like it ages most others.

The room they were in appeared to once have been occupied by a little old lady. Dated curtains blocked the plywood covering the shattered windows. Yellowed wallpaper with tiny blue daisies peeled at the edges. The furniture was something right out of a thrift store, although it looked more abused. Jake introduced her to the living room inhabitants.

“Sophie, this is Myra, Mic, and Derek,” Jake said, pointing to the girl, the man on the left and then the man on the right. “Mic is the go-to guy around here if you need anything. And I mean anything.”

Mic just looked at her and grinned. He was missing half his teeth, it seemed.

“Who the fuck is this bitch? Does she think she can just come in here and take my business? I will fuck a bitch up!” yelled Myra. She was getting off the floor, but she stumbled over her own feet, almost knocking over the heavy wooden coffee table.

“FUCK! Calm the fuck down. You know Jake wouldn’t bring anyone to steal from us, right Jacky boy? Now sit back down and ride the wave baby…” and Derek trailed off and took another hit off a joint.

Jake replied, “Oh no way man. I found her at the bus station. She had nowhere else to go, so I thought she could crash with us for a while. That cool, Mic?”

Sophie quickly learned why Mic was called Mic. He was from Ireland.

“Yes, that’s fine,” Mic replied in a soft voice with a thick accent. “Here, come sit here.” He patted a spot on the couch and even in the dim light of the room she could see dust rise off the fabric. Sophie placed her backpack on the floor and walked over to the couch. She didn’t have much of a choice. Sit or go back into the rain. When she sat, she tried to sit as close to the arm of the chair as possible. Mic made that hard by moving closer to her and putting his arm around her.

“If you’re running away from your problems, I have a solution.” Mic waved his callused hand over the coffee table. On it was an array of drug paraphernalia. He picked up a needle. Sophie could only guess it was heroin.

“Some people have addictions, vices, some deal with dragons or personal demons, others are compulsive, controlling and neurotic. We do not discriminate” He took her arm and laid it on his lap. He placed the needle in her hand, her fingers rolling over the cold hard plastic.
She looked around the room, finally taking in everything. Jake still standing in the doorway, Myra crumbled on the floor like a wounded dog, and Derek on the other end of the couch, puffing away at a joint in between leaning over the table and snorting up likes of white powder.

“How did I get here?” a little voice in her head asked.

Sophie replied out loud, “Baby, we ain’t got nothing to lose.”

She stuck the needle into her vein, the faint rip of flesh echoing in her ears as the contents entered her bloodstream.

Mic leaned over and whispered in her ear, “Here, there be dragons.”


lj idol intro post

i always suck at these things...there really isnt much to tell about me. my name is rachel, im 23 from massachusetts. i am a mother to a wonderful 14 month old, mackenzie, and married for 2 years to an amazing man, james.

im starting school back up in january, hopefully with a degree this time. it would be nice working normal hours instead of delivering pizzas (although its good money...most of the time).

i really have a passion for art. all kinds of art. i paint in my spare time. i love special effects makeup, and gave up some amazing opportunities to have my family. sometimes i regret not pursuiing my dreams, but i know if it was meant to be, i'll get another chance.